Whose Line is it Anyway? Harry Potter Edition
by NobleJealousy
Summary: PG for some language. Spoof on the TV show. Chapter 6 - World's Worst - is up after like a 4 month hiatus.... Sorry... Anyway, Enjoy and don't forget to r/r
1. Superheroes

Disclaimer:  Harry Potter and the crew all belong to the master of the world, JKR.  Scott Riddle, son of Voldemort, belongs to the great and powerful Kate S. (we miss you!).  Whose Line is it Anyway belongs to Drew Carey (maybe)  Random video game characters belong to Nintendo, Square Soft, and the like.  The Evil Rabid Jigglypuff of Doom belongs to pokebattles.com Aqua Version.  The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy belongs to Douglas Adams.  Anime dudes belong to their respective creators.  The End.  Be Happy.

Scott Riddle:  Hello and welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway, Harry Potter edition.  Today's cast... Justice, like lightning, HARRY POTTER.  The invincible, RON WEASLEY.  In brightest day, HERMIONE GRANGER, and, gets changed in phone booths (a/n dear God help us) DRACO MALFOY!!  And I'm your babe like host Scott Riddle, come on down, let's have some fun.      

(walks down a bunch of steps to desk.  Loud cheering and swooning is heard in the audience.  Hermione glares.)  

Scott:  Welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway, the show where everything's made up, and the points don't matter.  That's right, the points are just like the Creevey brothers.  They just... don't... matter!  What happens if you've never seen the show is that I'm going to bring these guys down to the stage and make them do everything off the top of their heads, then award points.  I don't know why, cause like I said, they don't matter!!!  Then at the end of the show I pick a winner, and the winner gets to do a little something special with me (swoons in the audience) and the losers get fed to the Evil Rabid Jigglypuff of Doom (a/n, again, dear God help us) I should perhaps mention that Hermione has a better chance of winning then the rest of you... COMBINED.  (makes kissy lips at Hermione.  She bats her eyelashes.  Harry, Ron, and Draco simultaneously roll eyes and look depressed.)  Anyway, our first game tonight is a little game called... Super Heroes.  This is for all four contestants (Ron, Harry, and Hermione stand up and walk to the side near Scott's desk.  Draco walks center stage.)  First of all we need the name of an unlikely super hero for Draco from the audience.   

Ford Prefect:  The Hitchhiker kid!!

Son Gohan:  The Not-So-Great-Sayaman.

Donkey Kong:  Oooh eeeh ooh aaah aaah!!!

Voldemort:  Hehehehehehehehe.  Voldie Oldy Moldy Boy!

Voice:  Acts Like a Valley Girl Man!

Scott:  I like that, Acts Like a Valley girl man then! (Draco looks at Scott with an expression of pure horror) Now we need a crisis.

Peach:  Too ditzy to stand up

Bowser: (under his breath) you should talk!

Voice:  Running out of hair spray!

Scott:  I don't know who you are, but I like your style.  Ok Acts Like a Valley Girl Man, you're running out of hair spray!  What WILL you do?

Draco:  Oh!  My!  God!  Like, where's my hair spray.  I like, like, like, have a date with like 25 different dudes in like, 5 damn minutes!  Like oh!  I'm like totally out!  Like OMG!  Like...like...like...like... like... like...

Hermione:  (Jumping in from side) Sorry I'm late!  What's the problem?  

Draco:  Thank GOODNESS you're like, here, Mudblood Girl.  

(Hermione grabs Draco by the collar of his shirt.  Scott points his wand at Draco)

Hermione:  **WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME!  PREPARE TO DIE, VALLEY GIRL BOY!!!!!!!!!!**

Scott:  I get first dibs on ripping him limb from limb!

Ron:  That's not fair!  You should share!

Harry:  (preschool teacher voice) Because sharing is caring boys and girl.  

(as Scott prepares to cast the grow nasty tentacles on face curse, he is suddenly given a document from offstage left)  

Scott:  Bad news Herm, we can't hurt him physically.

Hermione:  AND WHY NOT!  THE LITTLE BASTARD JUST CALLED ME A MUDBLOOD.  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...

Scott:  Well the main reason is because Lucius Malfoy just bribed the CEO of the station.

(Camera zooms up to audience where Lucius and other Death Eaters are waving a sign reading, weaeae luv u Drako!!!)  (a/n yes, that's what it said.  Unfortunately, in my happy little world, Lucius cannot spell)

Hermione:  (calming down)  Don't worry sweetie pie, I have another way of handling dung breath over there.  (throws Malfoy on ground)

Draco:  (panting like a dog) air............air........

Draco's manager:  Ah uh uh!  Draco, honey, baby, poogie!  Stay in character hon! 

Draco:  (glares at his manager)  air...........like...............air................like..............

Ron:  (leaping on and striking a stereotypical super hero pose)  I came as soon as I heard!  

Hermione:  (grinning evilly)  It's a good thing you've arrive, Constantly Tortures and Torments Acts Like a Valley Girl Man Boy!

(audience howls with laughter.  Lucius starts crying like a poor widdle bunny wabbit.  Ron looks like his birthday, Christmas, and every other holiday had just occurred.  Draco shudders and begins to pray)  

Ron:  (doing the hokey-pokey on Draco's back)  What's the trouble?

Draco:  We're.........like...............gasp...............gasp...............out..................of.................like....................hair.................... like.....................spray...................like.....................like.................li- (faints.  Ron sticks old smelly gym socks up his mouth and nose)

Harry: (walks on laughing hysterically) Whasssssssssssssssssssssuppppp?  

Ron:  Oh thank God!  Look, it's the Yodeling Break-Dance Kid!

Harry: (doing the worm)  Yodeleheehoo!  What's the pro-ob-lem?  Yodeleheehoo!

Hermione:  We're out of hairspray for that pile of shit, the great and marvelous valley girl.

Harry: Yodelehee, go to CVS-s, yodelehee (worms off stage)

Ron:  I'm on my way! (stomps on Draco's head on the way out)

Hermione: Bye!  (walks away)

Draco: (drools on the carpet.  Medi-wizard revives him.  He gets up and runs back to his seat like a scared little bunny rabbit)

Scott: (hits buzzer thingy) That was great.  One thousand points to Harry for his flexibility.  One thousand points to Ron for helping Hermione.  100 thousand points to Hermione for... well... being Hermione.  And... um... negative a lot points to Draco cause I just don't like him)

(commercial)


	2. Questions Only

a/n: I don't own anything; everything in this fic belongs to the person who created it.

FYI:  In an MST series (the site it was on unfortunately closed down) "Scott Riddle" and Hermione were going out.  Therefore, he idolizes her in this fic. K?

(during the break, Lucius charges the stage and the following scene ensues)

Lucius: Draco! Pookie!  Daddy's going to make it all better sweetums!  Don't you worry honey!

(Turns his wrath on the audience)

Lucius: WHO CAUSED MY POOR BABY POO TO BE NAMED THIS HORRID THING!  I WILL KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL YOU!  

Audience: Jerry!  Jerry!  Jerry!  Jerry!

Scott: (using 500 pounds of hair gel) Security!

(Security dudes come out and distribute raisinets to the audience.  The audience proceeds to peg Lucius with them until he cries)

Lucius: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  I WANT MY BLANKY!!!!!!!!!!  WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  (Runs away)

(Everyone bursts into laughter except for Draco who is nursing his battle scars and looking mortified at his father's behavior under a chair)

(When everyone has calmed down enough so as not to appear drunk, the cameras are turned back on)

Scott:  Welcome back to Whose Line!  If you're keeping score at home call 1-800-IAM-SCREWED for a free analysis of your mental condition.  Anyway, the next game is called questions only.  This is for all four contestants.  (Hermione and Draco walk into the middle of the stage while Ron and Harry stand off to the side, Ron behind Hermione and Harry behind Draco) In this game, they are in the middle of a perfectly normal scene... oh yeah, there is that one teeny tiny insignificant little factor; they can only speak in questions.  If they DON'T, however, I will buzz them out and the person behind them will take their place.  The scene is you are first years on your very first day at Hogwarts.

Hermione: What house are you assigned to?

Draco: What's a house?

Hermione: Are you a squib?

Draco:  DID YOU JUST CALL ME A SQUIB??? YOU... YOU... MUDBLOOD.

Scott: *buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* Insulting my girlfriend is not allowed, and further more, the last thing you said was not a question.

(Harry comes in)

Harry: Where am I?

Hermione: Don't you know?

Harry: Isn't this the kitchen with all of those house elves?

Hermione: FREE THE HOUSE ELVES!  LIBERATION!  STOP THIS UNJUST TREATMENT OF OUR FELLOW MAGICAL CREATURES!  

Scott: *buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* Not a question Herm.

(Ron comes in)

Ron: Is this the great hall?

Harry: How should I know?

Ron: Aren't you Albus Dumbledore?

Harry: Do I look that old?

Ron: Ummm... ummm... ummm... ahhh...

Scott: *buzzzzzzzz* 

(Hermione comes in)

Hermione: Aren't you going to join SPEW?

Harry: What's spew?

Hermione: What do you think?

Harry: Umm... nothing sane.

Scott:*buzzzzzzzzzz*

(Draco comes in)  

Draco: Who are you?

Scott: *buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* I love that sound, don't you?  And this cute little button, that's just soooooooooo much fun to press!  Golly gee!

Death Eaters: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! PUT DRACO BACK IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WE LOVE DRACO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Go Draco!  Go Draco!  Go Draco!  (waving grammatically incorrect banners around) DRACO KICKS *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

Scott: (rolls his eyes)  Harry?

(Harry comes out, and shoves Draco "accidentally" back)

Harry: Haven't we met?

Hermione: Are you flirting with me?

Harry: Is it that obvious?

Scott: *buzzzzzzzzz*  NO FLIRTING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND POTTER!!

Harry: Fudgesickles! (a/n this comment is censored since I am way to lazy to change the rating, k?)

(Draco comes out)

Draco: Who am I?

Hermione:  Does anyone care? (looks at the audience)

Audience:  Uhhh... well... ummm... uhh... no?

Death Eaters: WE DO!  WE LOVE YOU DRACO!!  

Scott:*buzzzzzzzz* Death Eaters are out.

Death Eaters: Awww foo!

Scott:*buzzzzzzzz*  Thank you guys.  5 bajillion points to Hermione cause she's the only one who didn't piss me off. 1 bajillion each to Ron and Harry cause they tried.  And a moldy banana to Draco. 'Nuff said.

(Draco lunges at Scott while he is making a desperate slashing motion at the camera and we go to a commercial)


	3. Whose Line

a/n:  I'm soooooo sorry that I haven't updated (don't blame me, blame Algebra)  I want to thank my brother, "The Joiner"  for co-writing this fic with me.  Also, big thanks to our 42 (!) reviewers!  You guys kick @$$!   As usual, we own absolutely nothing :-(.  

Please keep reviewing!  We love to hear from you!  Except flames, flames are bad, because, "Only YOU can prevent forest fires".  Listen to Smokey.  Smokey knows all.

Now on with the fic!

*

(During the break... Draco is strapped to his chair by big scary looking guys. Lucius is pounding on the door demanding to be allowed in to help his "baby-poo".  The death eaters are consoling each other about loosing the last game and making new "Wea Luv U Drakckco" signs (their old ones were used as a gigantic tissue for Draco when he got the moldy banana).  Hermione and Scott are flirting shamelessly, and Harry and Ron are kinda staring into space...)

(Camera focuses on Scott (who is to busy flirting with Hermione to care).  When 15 seconds go by without him noticing, Harry stands up and walks over to the camera.)

Harry:  Welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway? – Harry Potter Edition!  I'm Harry Potter, your substitute host as long as lover boy keeps putting the moves on Hermione.  

(Hermione whacks him over the head with her purse and goes back to her chair.  Scott, on the other hand, removes Harry from the camera sight in a bodily fashion, runs his hand through his over gelled hair, and smiles at the camera) 

Scott:  Thank you OH so much Harry.  What a gosh darn wonderful host you make.  

Voldemort: Scott!  Daddy is shocked!  Daddy brought you up never to tell a lie!  What are you going to do now young man?

Death Eater 1: I'm askin' ya m'lord, where is the respect in the youth of today?  
  


Death Eater 2: Honestly... 

Death Eaters: MANNERS MATTER!  (wave "Draco" signs for no apparent reason)

Scott: Shut it Pops.  

Voldemort: DON'T CALL ME POPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  GRRR...

Scott: Whatever.  Our next game is called "Whose Line".  What happens, is Harry and Ron are going to act out a scene, inserting these lines, written by the audience, here and there.   (Harry and Ron stand up and walk center stage.  Harry tries to stick his tongue out at Scott unnoticeably, but fails, causing another "manners" lecture from the Death Eaters)  Your scene is, Harry you are Professor Dumbledore telling Ron, as Voldemort off.  

Voldemort:  Hee hee!  I'm mentioned!  Yay! 

Entire Cast: SHUT THE #$%@ UP!!!!!  

Voldemort: (sniffles) I'm so hurt... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!  (sobs into a "Draco" sign (a/n: wow, with the amount of these being made as tissues, I bet it would bring in a pretty good profit (laughs evilly)))

Ron: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  I WILL SOON TAKE OVER HOGWARTS AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT DUMBLEDORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Harry: Oh... would you mind wiping your feet on the mat?  Mr. Filch won't be happy if you track mud all over the castle.  If you insist on leading barbaric raids you can at least do it in a civilized fashion.  

Ron: HAHAHA!  I laugh in your face!  And in situations in which we evil people laugh in people's faces, we have a little saying that goes some thing like this. (holds out peace of paper)  The evil bunnies is coming!  The evil bunnies is coming!  

Voldemort: NO!  THAT'S NOT RIGHT!  IT'S... The dastardly ducks is approaching!

Death Eaters: (nod in sage like consent)

Hermione:  Shouldn't that be "the evil bunnies are coming" and "the dastardly ducks are approaching"?

Ron, Voldemort, and Death Eaters: NO!!!!!!!!!

Scott: It's okay Hermi, I know you're right!

Hermione: (makes kissy lips at Scott and mouths "later")

Harry: (rolls eyes) I WAS wondering about those evil bunny traps you planted outside.

Ron: WE MUST PROTECT OURSELVES!!!!!!!!  

Harry: Come down Voldy!  Ya know, there's this old Hogwarts saying, that goes something like this; (holds out piece of paper) big scary Cornish Pixies shall throw us all into the potions classroom! 

Lockhart: (stands up in audience) You can thank MOI for that beautiful saying.  Buy my new book!

Ron: Aren't you supposed to have lost your memory?

Harry: I wish...

Voldemort: Say... have you ever considered a career in the Dark Arts.  We offer ample employee benefits, such as lots of chances to irritate Harry Potter.

Lockhart: Why would I want to do that?

Voldemort: Just play along dunderhead.  

Lockhart: Kay!

Ron: (looking up from shaking his head) Watch out!  Hear they come!

Harry: Who?

Ron: THE CORNISH PIXIES!

Harry: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  (both of them fling themselves onto the floor and begin rolling around like maniacs.)

Ron:  Adavra Kedavra!  

Harry: THERE GONE! YAY!  Now what were you saying Voldy?

Ron: Oh yes, there's this thing Salazar Slytherin would have wanted us to consider.  It is (holds out piece of paper) WOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOO!  

Kefka: WAAAAAAAAAHHH!  THAT'S MY LAUGH!  Give it back you meanies!  (starts shrieking at the top of his lungs as the cast of Final Fantasy 6 covers their respective ears.)

Celes: Is torturing him worth this?

Locke: Let me think for a second... 

Voldemort: I'm afraid I will have to punish you, clown boy.

Kefka: *sniffles loudly* why?

Voldemort: BECAUSE I-I AM THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO IS ALLOWED TO HAVE AN EVIL LAUGH!  DO YOU HEAR ME! 

Death Eaters: (pick Kefka up and kick his butt out of the auditorium)

Rest of audience: (applaud)

Scott: *buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* That's quite enough. (rubs his forehead)  Now to a commercial break.  

(cameras turn off)

Scott, Hermione, and Draco: Asprin... please asprin...!

COMMERCIAL  
  


(LOST CHILDREN flashes across the scene, and Lucius Malfoy walks in)

Lucius: My friends, I ask of you today a simple helping hand in a great cause.  *sniffle* Help us save the abducted children of our area.  Call 1-800-BABY-POO to help. (looks to either side)  Draco?  Pookie?  Hang in there!  Daddy's coming!


	4. Two Line Vocabulary

a/n: We continue to own nothing. Actually that's probably a good thing...  Anyway, please keep reviewing!  We're at a total of 51(!) and we love every single one of you!  However, any flame we receive will be put towards proof that Smokey the Bear is always right, and that you should help to prevent forest fires by not flaming.  :-)  Enjoy!

*

 (As we fade in, we see medi-wizards dispersed throughout the crowd treating the victims of Kefka's whining.  Voldemort is being consoled by his Death Eaters for having his evil laugh stolen and being treated with Such Astonishing Disrespect.  Scott and Hermione are no where to be seen...  As we are a few seconds from going back on air, Scott and Hermione run in.  Scott's hair is very messed up (and is sticking because of the gel) and Hermione's lip gloss is smudged.  Scott desperately runs his hand through his hair and smiles at the audience.  Harry, Ron, and Draco fight the urge to laugh.  They fail.  Miserably.  Hermione glares.  Evilly.)

Scott: (fake smile) Hi, and welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway? – Harry Potter Edition.  Our next game is "Two Line Vocabulary".  This game is for Ron, Draco, and Harry.  Ron and Draco will only be able to use two phrases for the entire scene.  Harry can say whatever the heck he wants.  Ron, your two lines are "I need help," and "Ooooh, what does that do?".  Draco's two lines are, "I smell!" and "How much?".  The scene is, Ron and Draco are best friends, having a big fight, over foxy chic, Harry.  Okay, start the scene.

(Harry stares daggers at Scott and mutter "You will die Riddle.")

Voldie: THAT'S NOT NICE YOU INSOLENT LITTLE TWERP!  SCOTTIE, DADDY WILL AVENGE YOUR HONOR.  DADDY WON'T LET ANYBODY BULLY HIS LITTLE SCOTTIE-POO!!!

(Voldemort is knocked out and dragged away by Donkey Kong and Shrek)

Shrek: Ach, what arre all you blimey bluggers starin' at?  You'd think you'd never seen a green ogre before.  Watch them, then.  

Donkey Kong: (sagely) Oo ee.  Oo aa aa.  

Harry: (girly voice, trying to save the moment) Now, I know you, like, both, like, totally love me, but you'll just have to like duel to the death for the right of taking me to the Yule Ball.  Yeah.  Totally!

Ron: I need help.

Harry: No, you like can't get help.  This is like a one on one duel to the death.

Draco: How much?

Harry: Like, the death! The death you MF nimrod.  
  


Ron: (mimes holding a wand) What does this do?

Draco: (importantly) I smell!

Harry:  Can we just get on with this?  I, like, have a manicure in like 10 minutes.

Draco: How much?

Harry: (tittering) Oh, like my whole nail.  Now c'mon.  Wands, like out.  Like... start!

Ron: (staring, confused, at his invisible wand) I need help.

Draco: How much?

Ron: (holds invisible wand out to Draco) What does this do?

Draco: (confused) I smell.

Harry:  Like, Oh My God!  I like need migrane medication.

Draco: How much?

Harry: AAAAHH!  I should, like, never have listened to Tiffany when she, like, told me to date one of you.  I'm , like gonnna send her an owl and complain.  (pantomimes holding an owl)

Ron: (points to owl) What does that do?

Draco: (contemplatingly) I smell...

Harry: Owl?  It's like, oh my god.  I like, can't take this any more.  I like, need some Dexatrim or something.  This stress is like, making me gain weight.  

Lockhart: Now now children, we should never blame how we look on our problems.  I'm beautiful, you're beautiful, everybody's beautiful!

Everyone in the audience: Shut the &%&@()^$*#*  up!  

Guard: (stands behind Lockhart with a wand held up to his back)

Draco: How much?

Harry: Like, a lot!  Like... like... like...like...like...like...like...like...like...like...like...like...like...like...like...

Ron: (slowly backing away from Harry) I need help.

Draco: (loudly) I SMELL!  
  


Scott: (buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)  Okay, that was like... really really really really really really scary.  5 million points to Hermione for not being in it.  –1000 points to Harry for giving me the heeby-jeebys.   2000 points to Draco for his unflinching acceptance of the truth.  Finally, 6 points to Ron because 6 is a cool number.  

(Commercial)

(Camera focuses on Ludo bagman holding up a small pouch)

Ludo Bagman: Friends, with the horrible laughing of Kefka to the horrors of "Whose Line", I have the solution to all of your problems.  (pulls earplugs out of the pouch)  Bagman's Splendirific earplugs.  Sure, there expensive at 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999.99 galleons a piece, but isn't your piece of mind worth it?  Hurry order yours today.

(A bunch of scary looking goblins storm on set yelling war cries and carry a protesting Bagman off screen)


	5. Irish Drinking Song

a/n:  First off, if you notice a difference in the writing style of this chapter, blame it on the fact that the Joiner is writing this chapter with help from Polei (as opposed to vise-versa.)  Second, if we reach 75 reviews by the time Polei returns from camp, we will update with chapter 6 sooner . . . maybe.  Third, all licensed characters belong to their respective creators and we own . . . well, the furniture, at least.

Evil-Auditor-Type-Thing-Whatever:  Actually, you forgot to pay your taxes this year, so now _we_ own the furniture.

a/n:  D'oh!

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

(Scene opens on the audience, which is oddly quiet.  As the camera zooms in, we can see the reason:  a team of Death Eaters is patrolling the isles, pointing wands at noises, casting spells at sounds, and generally making @$$es of themselves.  As the shot rotates to the center stage, we can see what the performers are doing:  Harry is getting his face force-fed to him by Ron at wizard's chess, Hermione and Scott are giving Hedwig the workout of her life sending love notes to each other non-stop, and Draco is looking bored, embarrassed, and sulky all at the same time – which is no mean feat, especially when you consider that he's been doing it the whole show.  As the camera zooms in on Scott, he looks up from yet _another_ love letter and puts on a big, fake smile.)

Scott:  (Nervously) Hello and welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway – Harry Potter Edition.  As you may have noticed, the Death Eaters are patrolling the Studio. Do not be alarmed, they are merely looking for the person who suggested that Draco be named Acts Like a Valley Girl Man in the first game.  Have no fear, they merely wish to . . . *looks behind him, camera zooms up to where Lucius Malfoy is sitting up in the audience, pointing a wand at Scott's head.*

Lucius:  (Low) Congratulate him for such a brilliant and witty comment by . . . *notices camera* um . . . er . . . ee . . . aw, forget it.  DRACO, DADDY WILL SAVE YOUR HONOR.  YIB YIB HI HONKIN' WECAL MAKER!

Draco:  (Shamefacedly) Of all the people who had to have a terminally insane father, why did it have to be me?

Hermione:  Do you want a list, or the short version?

Draco:  (Bitterly) Oh, shut up, you stupid Mudblood. *gets zapped by Scott*

Harry:  Where is Voldemort, anyway?

Ron:  At his weekly "Paranoid Parents Anonymous" Meeting, where else.

Scott:  (Hurriedly) Moving right along now, our next game is called "Irish Drinking Song."  This is for all four contestants.  *Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco walk down to the stage*  They have to make up an Irish drinking song on the spot with the help of Lee Jordan on piano and Cho Chang on guitar.  What I need from the audience is the name of something or someone who annoys you as much as the Death Eaters.

Death Eaters:  HEY!

Amuro Ray:  The Duchy of Zeon!

Donkey Kong:  Me no like Kremlings!

Gandalf the White:  Balrogs!

Everyone:  Britney Spears!

Albus Dumbledore:  The wait for the fifth Harry Potter book!

Scott:  Perfect, so when you hear the music, start the "Wait for the Fifth Harry Potter Book" Irish drinking song.

(Music starts.)

All:  Ohhhhhh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!

Harry:  We're waiting outside in the rain,

Ron:  For Harry Potter five.

Hermione:  At the rate it is taking,

Draco:  We may not be alive.

Harry:  No one knows when it will come out,

Ron:  It remains a mystery.

Hermione:  The latest estimate we have, 

Draco:  Is in two thousand three!

All:  Ohhhhhh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!

Ron:  The title of the fifth book,

Hermione:  Is Order of the Phoenix.

Draco:  It will be truly tragic,

Harry:  You'll need a pack of Kleenex.

Ron:  The whole world has been waiting,

Hermione:  Since right after book four.

Draco:  If Rowling doesn't finish soon,

Harry:  We will knock down her door!

All:  Ohhhhhh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!

Hermione:  She has been working forever,

Draco:  On that accursed book.

Harry:  No one has even seen it,

Ron:  Not even a quick look.

Hermione:  The way this has been shaping up,

Draco:  This wait will never end.

Harry:  And those of us who have no life,

Ron:  Will lose their only friend!

All:  Ohhhhhh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!

Draco:  If the book doesn't come out soon,

Harry:  I don't know what I'll do.

Ron:  Maybe I will have to

Hermione:  Start living in a zoo.

Draco:  The madness is beginning,

Harry:  We don't know what to do

Ron:  So J. K. Rowling

Hermione:  We are out for you!

All:  Ohhhhhh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!  Ohhhhhh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye - di dye - di dye!

Scott:  That was great!  1,000 points to Harry for leading off the song, 2,000 points to Ron for winning the chess game, 100,000 points to Hermione for . . . well . . . look, if you can't guess by now, go talk with your parents, and negative 5,000 points to Draco for being Lucius' son.

Draco:  *sniff*

[Commercial]

(Scene opens on a Quidditch game between Gryffindor and Slytherin, with Gryffindor in the lead.  As the Quaffle is tossed back and forth between the players, the camera zooms down and focuses on a flash of gold, obviously the Golden Snitch.  Suddenly, the Snitch zooms off and the camera focuses on the reasons why:  Seekers Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy.  As the two follow the Snitch's winding trail, something catches Draco's eye:  a delicious bottle of ice cold, refreshing butterbeer.  He looks between the two, obviously making a hard decision, then breaks off from following the Snitch, and swoops down, grabbing the bottle then retreating to the sky.  As he opens the bottle and enjoys the tantalizing flavor, loud angry yells are heard from the side.  As he looks up, he sees the rest of the Slytherin Quidditch team bearing down on him from the sides, all with murder in their eyes.  Cut to black.)

Voice:  Got butterbeer?


	6. World's Worst

a/n: We're BAAAACK!! Sorry about the wait (hehehe.... 4 ½ months.... sorry) Anyway, we continue to own nothing.  Nada.  Je suis tres triste, parce que je n'ai pas un poupee!!!  (I have pediophobia... bwahaha)  Anyway, let the randomness begin!!  
*

(camera swings around the stage revealing Scott (having an epileptic fit because he has run out of hair gel), Hermione (Sulking because Scott is ignoring her), Harry (sticking his nose into "Flying with the Cannons" in a pitiful attempt to disregard his surroundings), and Ron and Draco (having an "I can cross my eyes for longer than you can so nyah nyah nyah!" contest).  The producer (standing off set) throws a bottle of gel to Scott who begins the intro like one of those women in the Herbal Essences commercials)

**Scott:** Ohhhhh... Welcome back to... Ahhhhhh..  Harry Potter... Ooooooh... Whose Line is it Anyway.   *Collapses into a state of pure joy.  His tongue is lolling out of his mouth and he is absent-mindedly chewing on it)

(Hermione looks nauseated while Harry, Ron, and Draco exchange smirks of amusement.  The audience registers confusion.  The producer charges on set and snaps his fingers.  Friendly looking men in white coats "temporarily" remove Scott.  The producer runs into the audience, and yanks Gilderoy Lockheart down onto the set and pushes him onto Scott's chair.) 

**Lockheart:** Well children, I suppose we should proceed to the next game?  What a happy fun event.  Made even happier and funner by the wonderful presence of me!

**Everyone: **Funner?

**Hermione: **(sniffs) I can't imagine why people neglect proper English.  It's so...  so...

**Draco: **Improper?

**Hermione:** Uh... yeah...

**Lockheart:** (looks furious that he is not the center of attention) AHEM!!!  (Smiles cheesily)  Our next game is called "World's 

Worst"  It is for all four players.  These wonderful children are going to tell us all about the world's worst (reads a card) potion's teachers and their world's worst potions.

(Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco walk down to the center of the stage and face the audience)

**Harry: **Hello.  My name is Professor Severus Snape.  I don't like you.  Deal with it.  And drink some of my fah-bu-lous truth- I mean, sleepiness potion...  *evil laugh*

**Lockheart: ***buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* That wasn't nice young man!

**Ron: **Whatever...

**Rinoa: **That line is copyrighted my beloved Squall.  

**Zell: **Isn't his name Leon now?

**Squall/Leon/whatever:** Whatever...

**Lockheart: ***buzzzzzzzzzz*  NO TALKING ABOUT WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND!  Secrets secrets are no fun unless they are for everyone!

**Draco: **Hello boys and girls!  I'm Professor Lockheart!  And this is my world famous memory-deleting potion.  (Mimes drinking the potion)  Who am I?  Where am I?  Why am I dressed like I robbed a blind hobo?

**Death Eaters: **YAY DRACO!  THAT'S THE WAY DRACO!!   KICK BUTT DRACO!!  
  


**Voldemort: **(returning from his Paranoid Parents Anonymous meeting ) Hooray for Draco!  ...Where's Scott?  

(Audience snickers under their breath while a Deatheater pulls Voldie aside and begins whispering something to him)

**Hermione: **My name is-

**Voldemort: **WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MEN IN WHITE COATS???  GET MY SCOTTIE-OTTIE BOY BACK.  NOW!

**Lockheart: ***buzzz* Voldemort is out.

**Hermione:** (annoyed) AHEM!!!  My name is Rita Skeeter.  By drinking this potion, you may-

**Voldemort:** I SAID NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

(Death Eaters scatter about to do Voldie's bidding.  Hermione tuts and stalks away to her chair where she sits and mumbles to herself about inconsiderate evil people and their mignons until she can think of a good come back)

**Lockheart:** (confused)... ummm... *buzz*?  Proceed.

**Harry:** My name is Professor Draco Malfoy.  Drink my Ditziness potion, and you can be a man who acts like a valley girl, just like me.

**Draco:** (steam comes out of his ear)

All Remaining Death Eaters: (wave grammatically incorrect banners) WE LOVE YOU DRACO!  DON'T TAKE THAT FROM ANYBODY!  YOU ARE THE MASTAH!  
  
Ron: Hello.  I'm the Death Eater Master.  Please remove your grammar books from your desks and open to chapter 1 "How to spell. 

**Harry: **Hi, my name is Scott Riddle and here is my specially patented hair gel, bound to make your humors tingle.

(Hermione and Voldemort attempt to lunge at Harry but are quickly restrained by Security)

**Lockheart: **Now now Harry.  Fame is a fickle friend to us all.  There is no need to make others miserable to promote your own self.

**Everyone: **SHUT THE *&@##@*^*#& UP!  WE WANT SCOTT BACK!  Even a guy whose gel has seriously damaged his brain cells is better than this freak of nature.

**Lockheart: ***sniffs* I'm hurt.  I can't believe you would say that too... too... me!

**George of the Jungle: **Me would! Me think the monkeys is smarter than you is mister man sir.

**Lockheart: **(wrinkles up his nose and points at George) He smells.  He should by some soap, made by me in an Alaskan 

soap factory.  (under his breath) Well, at least made in and Alaskan soap factory.  By that crazy witch who wore nothing but 

purple...

**Harry: **(loudly) What was that, _Professor_?

**Lockheart:** (looks around) Who me?

**Nanki-poo, Yum-Yum and Koko: **Here's a how-de-doo!  

**Lockheart: **BACK ON TOPIC PEOPLE!

**Draco: **I'm your new Potion's teacher.  And we're going to have a wonderful time boys and girls.  Isn't that right, Assistant Professor Fluffy?  (holds up a sock puppet)

**Ron: **(throwing his voice to play Assistant Professor Fluffy) Yes, that's right boys and girls.  Isn't this wonderful.

**Neville: **Don't mock sock puppets!  (turns to his own Mr. Socky for comfort and advice)            

**Harry: **We're... uh... going to learn about um... potions... uh... like I guess you should get your books out... or something.

**Lockheart: ***buzz* 2 more

**Ron: ***misty/dreamy voice* Hello students.  Today instead of creating potions we will be gazing into the infinite depths of the Orb.  Oh yes.  The fates have informed me that you are to call me Professor Trelawney.  And oh... young man? (To Harry)  You will die on Thurday next, 7 seconds past 42 minutes past the tenth hour of the day.

**Parvati and Lavender: **Oh Professor Trelawney!  Do you _really _think so? Ooh, tell us more about your randomized predictions of Harry's untimely death!

**Ron, Harry, and Draco: ***struggle to find the appropriate words for the situation*

**Neville:** Down with pink teacups!  Up with blue teacups!  Teacup breakers of Great Britain unite!

**Lockheart: ***confused* Hang on, is there really a teacup breakers union, or is he just joshing?

**Everyone: **Joshing?

Harry: Gosh that's keen Professor.  

**Ron: **What a swell idea!

**Draco: **Gee whiz sir!

**Hermione: **(having finally though of a comeback, comes running up to join Harry and company). Hello. My name is Voldemort.  _Mr. _Voldemort to you.  As you can see from my horribly disfigured face, I am the victim of a disfiguring potion.  No... wait...  I forgot... I was _born _like this.

**Voldemort: **(tries to calm himself down) Big... open... spaces...  Big... open... spaces...

**Voldemort's psychiatrist:  **Yes.  Thees is thee vay to conquer your angerrrr.  Keeeeeeep  aht eeet.

**Death Eater 1: **That's the spirit sir!

**Death Eater 2: **Keep at it sir!

**Voldemort: **SHUT UP!!  *sniffs* I'm trying to concentrate.

**Lockheart:** Uhh,,, *buzz* And that's a wrap (tries to look cool)

*commercial break*

(representative from the state asylum walks into a padded room)

**Asylum Dude:**  Ladies and Gentleman, we at the state asylum here in London appreciate anything you feel willing to give.  Be it money, donations of clothing to the inmates, or even your time to work with some of the troubled people living here.

**Scott: **(from the background)  Ohhhhhh... gel....  I want my gel!  Ahhhhhh...

**Asylum Dude: **Uh yeah.  So help us.  (runs of the set shouting) SOMEONE GET A TRANQUILIZER DART!


End file.
